Your Mum is not a Monkey

Conversations from Toes (my 4 year old daughter) and Bear (my 6 year old son)

Dad? 

Yes mate? 

I am OK at looking after myself you know? 

What do you mean? 

I mean I can look after myself. I know what I can eat and I can put on a DVD 

OK 

So when you are dead I'll be OK. Don't worry.

*

Dad?

Yes mate? 

Josh's Dad doesn't live with him 

I know that

Dad? 

Yes mate? 

It might be fun if you didn't live with us 

Toes  - That would be horrible. Dad lives with us. My biggest Daddy

I know that. I just mean we could have more bedrooms and watch movies at Dad's house

Toes - Wow - that would be so cool

 Dad?

Yes mate?

Can we watch movies at your house?

I don't have a house, I live at home with you

I know that, but when you don't can we watch movies at your house?

*

When am I going to die then Bear?

I don't know. Maybe when I am a bit bigger?

How much bigger?

Maybe when I am 10?

10?

Maybe 20?

Mate Granddad is still alive and mum is 38. Do you think I might make it beyond when you are 20?

Can I have an ice cream?

*

Bear and a friend were shouting in the front room.

Dad

Yes mate

We’re arguing about God

Wouldn't you be better arguing about other things? Like who can do the smelliest f-rts?

You can. I know that.

OK, so what is the argument?

He says God does exist but I know he doesn't

That's ok. If he believes God does then there is nothing wrong with that

But you and Mum -

Mum and I don't believe in God.

The Friend  - I am not sure about God but where did Bear’s Grandfathers Grandfathers Grandfather come from?

Do you mean where did the first person come from?

The Friend - Yes

Well we believe people came from monkeys a long time ago

Bear  - Yeah. I cam from a monkey

The Friend - You did not. I know your mum and she is not a monkey

*

Dad?

Yes my darlin' Toes

You're my best Dad

I'm you're only Dad

I know that, and you're the best Dad

That means I am also the worst

No you're the best

You're my only daughter, which makes you the best, the worst, the stinkiest and the loveliest

Bear  - Then what am I?

You're my son

You're being mean saying Toes is the best

No, I said she was my best daughter; you're not a daughter are you?

Toes  - Bear’s not a daughter. He's a stinky boy

Me - So what about mum?

Toes - She's the best

Bear - And she's the oldest person I know

What about Grandmother?

Oh yeah, Grandmother's older than Mum

Toes  - So much older

Bear  - Not that much, Mum is really old

*

Toes  - Mum - you look like a clown. Dad - you look like my biggest hero