Tuesday, 26 June 2012

That'll do pig

The earth was formless and void, and darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was moving over the surface of the waters. God said, Let there be light; and there was light.

Meanwhile, in a dark and moody megalopolis - Bruce Wayne had it tough. He fell down a well and was terrified by bats. His parents took him to the opera and he watched them die in an alley during a mugging. He grew up angry, eager for vengeance. He pulled on a suit and mask and took to the streets to hit people.

God made life. From the elegant to the ugly, from the cuddly to the poisonous, he made it all. The tiny bacteria in our bowels, he made them. The nits in our hair, he lovingly crafted them. The worms that wriggle and tickle and tickle inside us, he made them. Salmonella, e-coli, Ebola, yeast infections, he made them all so thanks be to God for a paritcularly nasty and embarassing rash I had back in the 90's. He forged the fjords, sculpted the savannah, made mangoes, and stingrays and then, out of a clump of mud, he made man. Realising man was lonely he snapped out a rib and created Woman when possibly a wide screen television would have been enough.

Meanwhile on a Chinese mountain - the powers of the Sun and the Moon all worked upon a certain rock - old as Creation, And it magically became fertile. That first egg was named Thought, Tathagata Buddha, the Father Buddha, said, 'With our thoughts we make the world.' Elemental forces caused the egg to hatch, from it then came a stone Monkey. The nature of Monkey was irrepressible!

Woman. Evil nasty woman. Woman sashayed around in fig leaves and tempted man into eating an apple. This made God mad and basically ruined everything. Woman was punished with agonising childbirth, which means epidurals must be the devils work. Out of the garden man and woman were cast and from there it was downhill. God rested on his angry laurels for a while until he flooded the world, killing everyone aside from Noah and the animals.

Meanwhile in grainy footage - a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit. These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them - maybe you can hire…

It got worse. Mayhem and murder. A virgin on a donkey. Dogs and cats living together. A carpenter husband limping his virgin to a stable where the cows (busy lowing), the goats, the chickens, the lobsters and anchovies watched as the baby was born.

Meanwhile you really need to know - you're dealing with an expert in guerrilla warfare, with a man who's the best, with guns, with knives, with his bare hands. A man who's been trained to ignore pain, ignore weather, to live off the land, to eat things that would make a billy goat puke. In Vietnam his job was to dispose of enemy personnel. To kill! – so Colonel Trautmen sums up John Rambo and so John Rambo goes, romping and maiming in the name of peace, for the love of a dead girl with a jade necklace.

The boy grew. He raised Lazarus and fed the hungry with loaves and fishes. He fed his BFF’s with his blood and flesh at the first goth banquet. After irking Rome with his crazy ways he was nailed to a cross beside Barabbas. Barabbas was freed after an X Factor style vote, and Jesus was left to die. He resurrected himself after his blood was caught in the Holy Grail (to give Indiana Jones something to find centuries later) as John Wayne stood at the base of the cross saying Awe, that truly was the son of God. He then rocketed into the sky in a flying Delorian while Centurion Tannen watched in confusion. Christmas followed, along with Coco Cola and a jolly fat man in a red suit with kids on his knee. Amen.

Hero back stories. Batman, Monkey, Rambo, The A Team and Jesus, which one seems the most ridiculous?.

If Jesus were written today he’d be a miniseries. There would be special effects and catchy theme music. There would be adverts for episodes you just can’t miss and twists you will not believe. The bad guy would smoulder and likely be played by Kiefer Sutherland. The show would also be derided as unbelievable but would be a guilty pleasure. Come Season 2 Jesus would be a lifeguard running on water in slow motion with chest hair matted in the shape of a cross. As stories go it has all the components, magic, sandals, brutality and a cosmic vibe.

Jesus the super hero, he’s no Spiderman but that thing with the water and the wine would be handy.

At the start of each episode he would speak in a gravelly voice - You forgave them lord for they knew not what they did…but you made them feel guilty about everything from then on. Every day dream, every moment of jealousy, every extra biscuit, every illicit thought about Lady Diana showing her knickers, every simple moment of basically being human, you gave them guilt. That’s my superpower. I am Guilt Man here to remind you you're not good enough. Don’t make me cross.

Fifi Macaffee told Max Rockatansky - People don't believe in heroes anymore. Well damn them! You and me, Max, we're gonna give them back their heroes!

I am doing my bit to create new heroes, while wearing far less leather than Fifi.

Last year my wife took the kids swimming. Bear dove in and started splashing around and Toes walked to the pool. My wife was slipping her shoes off and flicking back her hair as sunlight shimmered through the window and caressed her soft skin like oil, sparkling on beads of perspiration as silently she whispered her love for me. She was distracted by thoughts of my calf muscles as Toes jumped in the water and immediately sank, forgetting she didn’t have her floatie on. Bear saw her go under and swam to his 3 year old sister, lifting her above the water line and holding her there, shouting to his mum as he did so. He saved his sister and I love him for it.

Toes saw a new boy start at her pre school. He looked lost and uncertain so she took him a stuffed toy and played with him all day. She called him her Darlin' Andy and Andy loved her.

There’s nothing miraculous about my kids in the grand scheme of things. Their origin stories are not out of the ordinary. Their super powers are nothing greater than laughter, being damn cute and being able to do excellent impersonations of zombies. That doesn’t stop me being amazed by them.

Bear and Toes make the world a better place.

I believe in that and little else, but then that’ll do pig, that’ll do.

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