Interior of a busy bus, Dad is sat at the back trying to read. His greying beard sparkles in the sunlight. He looks slightly angst ridden, almost as though he is HYPOGLYCAEMIC and his blood sugar is plummeting which would be leading to his thoughts becoming scatter logical and paranoid. He looks out the window and sees a leaf spiralling across the road. It’s torn on one side.
INTERNAL MONOLOGUE (IM)
What tore the leaf? Was it a kid? A ladybird? Man that must have been one hungry ladybird. Maybe a bird? Maybe a bird chasing a ladybird, the bird swoops as the ladybirds snacking and pecks at the leaf, misses the ladybird. Maybe he didn’t miss; maybe the leaf is a death site. Bits of broken dead ladybird smeared onto it, the rest of the ladybird digesting through bird guts and soon to be shat onto a windscreen.
My foot hurts. Why does my foot hurt? It really hurts now I am thinking about it. It's these shoes, they have a hole in. I’ve needed new shoes for months now. Damn trophy wife drinking too much coffee and stopping me buying shoes. It’s like walking on peeled linoleum.
Maybe something crawled in through the hole and laid and egg in my foot. Or eggs. Foot eggs.
Dad goes slightly red in the face. He stares out of the window for a moment and bends his fingers back several times. A mother and new born baby get on the bus. The baby looks 3 or 4 days old only. The baby starts whipping its head around to find something to suckle from, its mouth open and eyes unfocussed.
IM - I remember Bear doing the same thing the minute he woke, the minute he was picked up, the minute he was put down. He piled on weight so quickly. He was like a sack of sweet potatoes in no time.
Potatoes, wait was I hungry? Am I hungry?
I remember how Toes used to squawk like a pterodactyl when she was born. It was brutal sound. She never cried, just squawked. The other night she said in her sleep that The Goat was coming, she said she could see The Goat. What the fuck is The Goat?
The mother is unconsciously and repeatedly kissing the babies forehead. A large man in a too tight t-shirt is staring at the baby. He's stood just behind the driver, he seems to scowl, his lips pursed and his eyes too close together, eyebrows meeting in the middle.
IM - He reminds me of a line from A Company of Wolves - women should beware a man whose eyebrows meet in the middle. He looks angry. His forehead is folding like a tea towel; his teeth keep nipping at his bottom lip. Is he flexing his fists?
I wonder if he eats boiled sweets. One of my first teachers ate loads of boiled sweets; she stank of cough candy and cigarettes. She was either cracking a cough candy between her teeth or lighting up in class, blowing smoke on us as we read our Reading Scheme books.
White vans and grey cars flicker past outside.
IM - I’m sure that this chap is one of the thousands of random psychopaths that my wife mocks me for believing roam the streets. I think he might be related to Mrs McAndrews. He has the same scowl though he is a lot fatter. She was just straight lines, snapping arms and legs, head hung low on her neck like a spiders egg on a web thread.
Shit why do I keep thinking of eggs. Are there eggs in my feet?
I hated Mrs McAndrews. She was only happy if a kid cried in class. I hate this man. He hates the baby.
Why does he hate the baby?
He’s going to do something. I know it. He’s going to dash the child from the woman’s arms and run from the bus cackling and spitting
A crisp packet blows past on the path
IM - I am about to see something horrendous from the back of the bus. I know it. I should do something, I should -
The man steps forward and - suddenly and hands the woman a blanket that had slipped from the child’s back. He smiles a broad smile and says something we don’t hear. The mother laughs
IM - Where did the psycho go? Did he see me watching him? Did he swap personas?
The bus slews to the path and he steps off.
IM - Did he just scowl at me as he walked past? Will I bump into him in Woolworths? Is he the guy who stole underpants of the washing line years back? He was a similar build. I’ve always thought I’d bump into him in Woolworths. Maybe I’ll bump into both of them, the panty thief and the baby dasher. Though the baby dasher did not dash the baby. .
Kick da Baby. Huh. I am Cornholio, I preferred Cornholio to South Park. Tee pee.
What. Where was that leaf?
Am I hungry? Man my foot hurts
A mobile phone chirps Under my Umberella – ella – ella
IM - I like thinking found my kids. I wonder if all the random psychos I’ve seen in my where actually benefactors rather than beasts. Maybe I am the psycho.
The sunlight shone on that chap as he left – shone is a funny word. It’s like past past tense. It makes me think of Kim Cattrall in Porkys. She was shiny, she shone. And in Police Academy too, she had legs like cooking sausages, I like sausages.
Am I hungry?
Shit, I haven’t pressed the button to stop at Bears school
The bell dings on the bus
IM - Who pressed that? No one else is moving. No one else is standing up to get off the bus. I can see Bear in the playground. We’re stopping. Who pressed it? I didn’t.
Did God press it?
Wow where did that thought come from?
Was it God? Is this a lesson? Is this my road to Damascus? First the psycho who turns out to be a nice man, then God stops the bus for me?
Wow. Shit. What if I’ve been wrong about all of this? Man that would be nuts. Wow.
Well if no one else gets off the bus then I guess there is a God. Fuck that would be just –
The bus pulls up. Fade to black
SCENE 2 –
School Playground. Bear runs over and shouts.
BEAR - If I beat you to the school bags can I have an ice cream?
DAD - Ice cream? What? Wait, yes I am hungry, I need to eat something
BEAR - Go
Dad runs after him, slightly unsteady on his feet. He goes to hook left to the school bags and Bear cackles, turning right
BEAR - The bags have been moved today
Bear dives for his bag and lifts it up
BEAR - ICE CREAM
They walked home making fart noises and eating ice cream and Dad’s blood sugar swings back again. They chatter.
Bear clambers onto a wall and leaps at Dad.
BEAR - DAD
DAD catches him and winces.
DAD - Jesus you’re heavy
BEAR - Dad?
DAD - What mate?
BEAR - You said there wasn’t a Jesus.
DAD - I did mate
BEAR - Well why did you just say Jesus was heavy?
DAD - Because – because – well because faith is a heavy thing Bear, it’s a crazy heavy thing.
BEAR - Dad?
DAD - Yes mate?
BEAR - RACE
Bear runs, Dad, hefting Bears school bag onto his shoulder, sprints after him
The bus pulls up and the doors open. Blinking, Dad steps out onto the path and looks to the bus. No one else is getting off.
Dad looks to the sky, confused.
The bus doors close and the bus pulls to the road - and then stops suddenly.
The doors re-open. A woman with a cask of wine in one hand and an unlit cigarette in the other staggers from the bus.
WOMAN - YAAH FUCKER FUCKING WAIT FOR A PERSON WOULD YOUS. Fuck sake I mean Jesus fucking Christ I pressed the fucking button least yous could do is let me get the fucking fuck off the fucking bus.
Discarded lottery tickets blow past the kerb stone and a car coughs oily smoke as it passes. Dad looks to Bear who’s waving from the school fence. He smiles.
WOMAN - What the fuck you grinning at? Found fucking God have you?
DAD - The opposite.
WOMAN - What the fucks that mean?
DAD - I think it means I am hungry
Camera panes to the right and shows the ocean in the distance. Two men can be seen swimming on a make shift raft of yellow barrels. They reach the shore as seagulls wheel overhead.
Music rises and there is a sense that all is well.